Successful Blog?

I want to make a successful blog...without ever posting to it.
Okay, that's not strictly true. I think I have too many dreams. I want to ride horses all day, make a million dollars, sell things on etsy, and run a blog. Oh, and live out in the country raising chickens and ducks.
Totally doable right?

Whatever. Weight Watchers didn't work for me. I mean, it worked, but it was expensive and difficult for me to stick to. I'm going back to counting calories. I realized I put waaaay too much into counting calories. Got a fitbit, tried to integrate it into myfitnesspal and there were too many steps. Maybe it made my calorie counting more precise, but does it matter if I won't do it? Nope. So, no fitbit, just myfitnesspal. Counting calories. 1500/day. (will go down to 1200 slowly, that's what I was at 2 years ago and lost 20lbs...before I gained 60)
On day three. Monday went great. Tuesday I had to go to the store, but I actually did really well and only bought feta cheese to go with my salads as a "cheat" (I freaking love feta cheese and I learned a long time ago I have to buy something which doesn't help my wallet, but if I don't have anything to look forward to when I get home I'll buy donuts or chocolate. I just will. So, I buy something small. Sometimes it's not even food. Just a distraction. New color of nail polish. Gum. Something for the dogs. Anything I can look forward to and stop obsessing over food. To bring this aside full circle, feta cheese on a salad is just as good to me as chocolate. I can focus on that and not the reeses staring at me at the checkout line)
Now I'm on day three. Forgot to bring my salad for lunch, but I'll eat it for dinner (I spend stupid amounts of money on premade salads, but I won't make them myself apparently).
Still eating WAAAAAAY too much sugar (in the form of pop....oops) BUT one step at a time. I can't quit everything at the same time. That's not sustainable for me. For now, as long as I'm under my calories and working out 3 days a week (moving up to 5 next week) I'm calling it good. I can get healthier as I get my portions and general mental health under control.

Ha, perfect segue. My mental health has been iffy at best. I'm depressed and anxious. Changing jobs isn't helping, but hopefully in general the new job is better for me. We'll see I guess. Right now I need to start yoga to try and destress (I don't want to increase my meds at this point. I've got the panic attacks coupled with sitting on the floor crying regularly under control. Just....not everything. Hopefully some lifestyle changes will help)

The thing that sucks is that the gyms around here don't offer yoga in the morning (rise and shine yoga is amazing for me) and the yoga studios (omg, rooftop yoga is a thing here.) don't have showers. My new work doesn't have a gym so there are no showers. sooooo, I'm a little stuck. But working on it.

Only if I Track it First

Something that helped me today was saying "only if I track it first" in regards to food. I'd planned out my entire day (Thursday is lunch day with the hubby) but someone brought Krispy Kreme donut holes. I wanted some real real bad. Before I let myself go in there, I told myself I could only have them if I counted them. So, instead of feeling immensely guilty I looked it up and found out that 4 donut holes are 6 points. I took 3 for 4 points. I had to dip into my weekly allowance, which I'm trying not to do as much, but it was worth it. Now I'm not sitting in my office obsessing about the donut holes I wanted. I find that if I do that to myself, I end up doing something worse later because I'm mad. (and possibly hangry!)
"I didn't get a donut this morning. I'm getting dessert now" *angry face*

So, next time you're really wanting some food, tell yourself you HAVE to track it first. Then, it may be worth it and it may not be. And track those negative points! I tracked everything I ate for a week even though I wasn't really watching what I ate and was in the negative. Seeing that gave me the bump I needed the next week.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 9

I really hope I lose. My cousin was here over the weekend and I took off Monday so I wasn't perfect (helloooo 3 cupcakes.) but, I think I did okay. I mostly counted and I don't think I even used all my extra points (okay, maybe the cupcakes). I ate a turkey sandwich at a burger place (I did have fries though) and got a salad the next day for lunch (the BEST salad, but I stuffed myself with said salad even though I knew I shouldn't).

So, I may not be losing 6lbs by the end of Spring Challenge. Oh well. This Challenge has NOT had the desired effect on my motivation. I feel too pressured and start to give up.


Okay. Just got back from weigh in. To refresh your memory:

Week 1: Starting weigh in

Week 2: -.6

Week 3: -3.4

Week 4: -1.0

Week 5: +1.2

Week 6: -1.2

Week 7: 0

Week 8: +1.4

Week 9: -2.6

Total lost = 7.4

I should really stop writing half of these posts BEFORE I weigh in. I LOST 2.6 POUNDS. Now, I need to be careful not to "reward" myself for doing well. Note to self: cupcakes are not a reward for weightloss.

I guess the moral today is - stick to it and don't give up even when you screw it up a little...or a lot.

Sticking to It (and a car story)

I'm doing well this week. I've only used a couple points of my 49 for my weekly lunch with the hubs. I WILL lose weight this week. I will.

Also, I really suck at blogging. I want to be all honest and real with you, but.... I can't keep on topic for more than 5 seconds. Luckily no one really reads my little blog, so I guess it doesn't matter right now. *sigh* so I'll just bounce around.

We bought a washer and dryer yesterday, but it'll be April 24th before it's delivered. I suck at waiting. It's a simple toploading HE washer and matching dryer with autodry functions. Spent $1035 when all was said and done. I wanted something fancier, but I just couldn't justify a fancy HE with all the electronic features for a couple hundred more right now. We probably could have held out indefinitely with the ancient washer/dryer we have now, but my best friend is moving into her first grown up house and needed a washer/dryer. I knew I'd be upgrading soon so I offered her mine. It kinda stuck me in a bind after my car decided to be a bitch, but I can't mess up someone else's plan so I just sucked it up and figured it out.

I've also got a plan to buy myself a new car in September as a birthday present to myself. My car (Champ) hates me for some reason. He was fantastic (okay, there was this one time that his fuel sensor broke and he was almost impossible to drive because his shifting was so jerky and my mom got really mad because my dad made her bring Champ home 2 and a half hours away doing that. That was only $50 when all was said and done though) then, sometime last year he just....broke. The A/C went out. It was the tail end of summer, so I figured I could hold out and get it fixed before next summer. A day later (an hour and a half away from home) the engine just... stopped. I stopped at a stop sign and it died. I restarted it, and it died, I got it start barely enough to coast into a parking spot downtown where I was. I missed class so I could call a tow truck, had to stay with a friend because I couldn't afford to tow it all the way back home and was told they couldn't even FIND what was wrong with it because the A/C belt was locked up and if they forced it to keep running it would snap the belt.... so fix the A/C for $1200 when that may just be one thing that is wrong with it, or.... be up shit creek. My parents paid for the A/C because I was still in college. Luckily, for whatever reason the A/C was the root of all the problems. I even asked my mechanic if it was my fault. Should I have come in when my A/C stopped working? I just thought I could be hot for awhile and still drive the car. His reply was that he'd never seen that happen. Oooookay. Then Champ was okay for a little bit, then he wouldn't start. I spent 30 minutes in a Kohl's parking lot trying to get him started and drove him straight to my mechanic when he did start. I don't even remember what was wrong with him, but something got replaced. $300. Then I take him in to get the brakes pads changed and an oil change. Oh. My. God. The brake pads have squealed since I bought that damn car. I hate them. They continued to tell me they were fine, just noisy. I was paranoid that I wouldn't hear the actual squeal when they needed to be replaced so I made them check them every time I got the oil changed. I saved up some money and finally just told them to change the damn things because I hate them and don't care if they still have enough surface. Well, they resurface the rotors when they change break pads and there wasn't enough surface anymore from previous resurfacing so they would need to be replaced. $300. Oil change $100 (synthetic oil) I had a hydraulic leak on the back breaks. Apparently this is really bad. I could have complete system failure in a day, or it could work for the next 10 years. Should be replaced NOW. My parents had to step in, again, and pay my $680 bill. And that's not all the shit that was wrong! I knew I needed a new pair of tires $300 but there was at least $500 more of work that needs to be done on this car. I'm so done. Between now and September I'll be changing the oil once and then trading in Champ for whatever he's worth (or not worth as the case probably is) and moving on with a NOT BROKEN CAR.
It's not even fair. I'm so nice to my cars. I drive them a lot, but I get the oil changed regularly. I always put the same oil in there. Any time something feels weird I take him to the mechanic. I get the tires changed regularly. And I get fucked.
My husband gets his oil changed like twice a year with non synthetic oil, has needed new tires for over a year, never takes his car in, and probably needs new brakes and his car just RUNS.
The thing that sucks is this car is supposed to be like, the most reliable runs no matter what car. I've had mechanics tell me if I keep taking care of it the way I do it'll run forever.... I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you Champ, but fuck you.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 8

I didn't have high hopes for this Weigh In Wednesday. Like I said on Monday, Easter blew my diet and it doesn't help that the Spring Challenge is having the opposite effect on my weight loss than I anticipated. I'm stressed out about not doing well enough that any time I screw up I get really depressed and start eating like shit. It's the worst thing I could do to myself for weight loss, and yet I keep doing it day after day.

So, that's why I didn't think I'd lose any weight from last week when I held steady at -6.2 total lbs.

Week 1: Starting weigh in

Week 2: -.6

Week 3: -3.4

Week 4: -1.0

Week 5: +1.2

Week 6: -1.2

Week 7: 0

Week 8: +1.4

Total lost = 4.8
It's okay. I'll do better next week. I'm going to work REALLY hard. I promise.


Now, a rant about my week.It's been rough. I'm feeling like my master's degree and passing the CPA exam (won't be a CPA until my year of supervision is done) were worth nothing to this company. I'm stuck on the same level in the same job as people with a bachelor's degree.... but I still need the same 3 years of "experience" to get a promotion. Basically until I want to be a controller, my CPA is unnecessary. It's very disheartening, but to make it worse I'm in the ONE department I knew from the get go I didn't want to be in. I'm an audit major for a reason. I don't enjoy tax. Tax makes my head hurt. I'm not naturally good at tax, and even when I'm putting everything I have into it I'm slow and barely at par. Now I'm going to be here for an extra 2 months. I thought I was 2 months away from leaving this department, now I'm only halfway through my stint. 8 months. 8 months in hell where the qualifications are made up and the degrees don't matter......

See what I did there? ha. I need to be more positive or I'm never going to get through this. It's just hard not to want to crawl under my desk and hide from the world. I hate everything, and when I don't I have a hard time feeling anything. I fake smile and interact with people. I try to act like a normal person. I think I get it right, but it takes a lot out of me and there  seems to be no end in sight. I just need an end in sight.

Easter Blew My Diet

I really felt like I did okay, but I didn't track over Easter. I'm now -15 weekly points. Not awful, but I probably can't workout enough by Wednesday to counteract that. *sigh*
BUT I didn't eat ANY chocolate or Easter candy (some strawberry pound cake and key lime pie were my downfall). Small wins.

I'm still hoping for a little weight loss this week. I held at zero last Wednesday but if I want to make my Spring Challenge goal of 6 lbs in 6 weeks, I need to start losing a little over a pound a week.

Okay, short post today. Trying to get caught up from being off on Friday!

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 7

I'm a day late, but I don't weigh in until noon at my weekly meeting, so I forgot.
Anyways, I'm holding steady.

Week 1: Starting weigh in

Week 2: -.6

Week 3: -3.4

Week 4: -1.0

Week 5: +1.2

Week 6: -1.2

Week 7: 0

All in all, I'm happy with that. I splurged more than I should have. Not exactly what I wanted going into Easter weekend, but I'm determined to be good and only splurge with my 49 points. 

Speaking of, it's a holiday tomorrow. We're going all the way to Arkansas. I actually really hate busy weekends. They make the week back feel so much worse. But, it'll be good to see the hubs parents. 

I Dropped a Pant Size!

I knew my current pants were too big, I just wasn't sure if I needed an actual smaller size, or just a different fit in the same size. I was going to go shopping this weekend, but I remembered I had a pair of pants that were about 1.5 sizes smaller than my current (Target fit vs Maurices fit) so I donned some soft body shapers (not the suck you into 2 sizes smaller than you are, just the keep you from jiggling too much type) and they fit really well!

On a  not so great note, I don't think I'm over the stomach flu (dysentery!) I had last week. I missed work last Monday and ended up in the ER after the urgent care told me I needed tests back today and they couldn't help me. The ER doctor ran some tests and mashed around on my stomach and told me I had gastroenteritis in my colon. He put me on meds and sent me home with a sheet telling me what to do to get better. The first thing? Rest at home for a few days. Did I do that? Of course not. I was never vomiting or I would have. But now it's come to bite me in the butt. I barely made it through that week, then of course I decided to power through the weekend as well doing chores and whatnot. Now it's Thursday and every day this week I've gone home and gone straight to bed. I'm so exhausted. Usually in the morning I'm at least okay, but by about 1:00 I'm just waiting for 4:00 so I can go home. Today, I'm not even okay in the morning. I need a 24 hour nap. I need my A game back.

Weigh In Wednesday - Week 6

It's week 6 of Weight Watchers for me. I've been (mostly) steadily losing weight. It's felt really good, but I know half of it is getting off the Zoloft. Within a week of switching my meds I stopped craving carbs so bad I would talk myself into ANYTHING (6 doughnuts, whatever. You'll feel better when you eat them even if you feel guilty later). I have pretty good self control, but for about a year that all went down the drain. I gained 60lbs and things sucked for awhile. Now I have a new doctor and different meds. Getting my mental health/medications under control has really helped me, and Weight Watchers is a great support group.

Anyways, here is my weight loss starting from week 1.

• Week 1: Starting weigh in
• Week 2: -.6
• Week 3: -3.4
• Week 4: -1.0
• Week 5: +1.2
• Week 6: -1.2

So, I lost what I gained in week 5. I'll take that (I was sooooo sick in week 5 I didn't count a thing all week, and ate pizza a lot).